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    #61
    "I may not be able to control the wind, but I can adjust my sails."

    Enthusiastically regards
    Torbjørn Nybø

    Comment


      #62
      "I may not be able to control the wind, but I can adjust my sails."

      Enthusiastically regards
      Torbjørn Nybø

      Comment


        #63
        "I may not be able to control the wind, but I can adjust my sails."

        Enthusiastically regards
        Torbjørn Nybø

        Comment


          #64
          "I may not be able to control the wind, but I can adjust my sails."

          Enthusiastically regards
          Torbjørn Nybø

          Comment


            #65
            Dear Sir,

            I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put "trying to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient:

            I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

            Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tight to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note, in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh 135 pounds.

            Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

            In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

            At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom broke out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds.

            I refer you again to my weight in the accident reporting form, block number 11.
            As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounted for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body.

            The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me...I again lost my presence of mind...and let go of the rope!
            "I may not be able to control the wind, but I can adjust my sails."

            Enthusiastically regards
            Torbjørn Nybø

            Comment


              #66
              The madness of the english lanhuage

              English is the most widely used language in the history of our planet. One in every 7 humans can speak it. More than half of the world's books and 3 quarters of international mail is in English. Of all the languages,it has the largest vocabulary - perhaps as many as 2 MILLION words. Nonetheless, let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

              We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

              And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

              Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb thru annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

              If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

              Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

              How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

              Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

              You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

              English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

              Copyright © Richard Lederer.
              "I may not be able to control the wind, but I can adjust my sails."

              Enthusiastically regards
              Torbjørn Nybø

              Comment


                #67
                Originally posted by TNAalesund View Post
                Oh, I would LOVE to know the story on this picture!!!!!

                Comment


                  #68
                  And then the Fight Started....

                  My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

                  I said, 'Dust.'

                  And then the fight started...

                  ------------ ---------
                  My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

                  I bought her a scale.

                  And then the fight started...

                  ------------ ---------

                  My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

                  My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

                  'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

                  'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

                  And then the fight started...

                  ------------ ---------
                  I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

                  "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

                  He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

                  Nah, she can order for herself."

                  And then the fight started...

                  ------------ ---------

                  A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

                  The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

                  And then the fight started.....

                  ------------ ---------

                  I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

                  I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

                  And then the fight started....

                  ------------ ---------
                  A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

                  Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

                  The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

                  So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

                  A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

                  The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

                  And then the fight started.....

                  ------------ ---------

                  Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

                  I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

                  The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

                  I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

                  I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

                  My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

                  And then the fight started ...

                  ------------ ---------

                  I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

                  It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

                  So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

                  And then the fight started....

                  ------------ ---------

                  My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have ***?"

                  "No," she answered.

                  I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

                  She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

                  So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

                  And then the fight started....

                  Comment


                    #69
                    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

                    The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.' The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,'
                    she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

                    Comment


                      #70
                      You Might Be a Technician if...

                      - you have ever tried to repair a $15.00 radio.
                      - you think of the gadgets in your office as "friends."
                      - you think your computer looks better without the cover.
                      - you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as is."
                      - you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
                      - you think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
                      - the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
                      - the microphone at a meeting doesn't work and you rush up to fix it.
                      - you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.
                      - you own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.
                      - you just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.
                      - you have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
                      With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                      Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                      Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

                      Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

                      Comment


                        #71
                        - you have ever tried to repair a $15.00 radio. I will fix anything no matter the price.
                        - you think of the gadgets in your office as "friends." Not really friends. They are more like employees.
                        - you think your computer looks better without the cover. Two of my five computers have the cover removed. This goes back to #1. The cooling fan failed so I removed the cover so it could cool without fans. The covers have been off for almost two years.
                        - you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as is."Just last week I bought a new drill from Lowes (A large home improvement retailer in the USA) for $1 because the switch was broken. When I got it back to the shop and took it apart only the plastic trigger was missing. The switch was still inside the handle. 10 minutes on the mill and I had made a new switch and the drill works fine.
                        - you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.I have a box just for power cords. There is another box for power supplies, motors... You get the idea.
                        - you think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.That was a criteria for finding a wife. I would not marry a woman that could not operate our entertainment system.
                        - the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.Heck, half the time the manufacturers techs cannot answer my questions.
                        - the microphone at a meeting doesn't work and you rush up to fix it.Sometimes I just sit there and laugh. It's more fun.
                        - you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.There is a box for: bolts, nuts, washers and a whole other set for stainless steel nuts & botls.
                        - you own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.One set is in the kitchen tool drawer. One set is in my pinball machine tool box and the third set in in the lower garage tool box.
                        - you just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.My mom has it in her basement with my all steel Tonka trucks. She won't let me play with them anymore. She says I'll break them or take them apart.
                        - you have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.I failed this one. I'm pretty good about turning off my phone.

                        Comment


                          #72
                          Dane--ok-you and my husband are never allowed to meet!! We were at dinner last night and he had me go online with my blackberry to go to CV to retrieve the technician list so our friends could laugh at him.........

                          What is it with men and saving old power cords??
                          But I have to hand it to you guys...you come in handy sometimes! Yesterday, when my daughter announced that her very nice computer speakers were broken, he was able to resolder the end connection in about 10 seconds.......

                          Comment


                            #73
                            This is a long, but good one....., for those among us irritated by the different pricing of an airline ticket.

                            If Airlines Sold Paint :

                            If you are wondering how our airlines can go bankrupt read this:

                            Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

                            Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

                            Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

                            Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

                            Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

                            Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

                            Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

                            Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

                            Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

                            Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

                            Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

                            Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

                            Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!

                            Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

                            Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

                            Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

                            Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

                            Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

                            Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.

                            Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

                            Customer: WHAT?

                            Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and > north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

                            Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

                            Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

                            Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

                            Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

                            Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?

                            Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

                            Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

                            Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

                            Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

                            Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

                            Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

                            Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on our next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

                            Customer: You're insane!

                            Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.
                            "IF GOD COULD MAKE ANGELS...., WHY IN HELL MAKE MAN?"

                            Comment


                              #74
                              I am just glad to hear that the airlines have crazy pricing around the world. I would feel very bad if it were only here in the USA.

                              Comment


                                #75
                                When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup of the day, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.
                                "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
                                "It's bean soup," she replied.
                                "I don't care what it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"
                                "I may not be able to control the wind, but I can adjust my sails."

                                Enthusiastically regards
                                Torbjørn Nybø

                                Comment

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