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    #16
    Last edited by ehp; February 28th, 2009, 23:38.

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      #17
      Lawyer's Money

      "I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money."

      "Why do you say that?"

      "Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25'."
      With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

      Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
      Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

      Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

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        #18
        The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...
        Two men and a woman.
        For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
        "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
        In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
        The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
        The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
        The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
        with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
        The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
        Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
        She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
        After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
        She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
        "I may not be able to control the wind, but I can adjust my sails."

        Enthusiastically regards
        Torbjørn Nybø

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          #19
          Olives

          A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.

          "Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!"

          "What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."
          With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

          Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
          Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

          Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

          Comment


            #20
            Biology Revisited

            - When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

            - Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

            - Thesaurus is an ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.

            - It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

            - Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

            - Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

            - Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

            - Sterility is hereditary: If your grandfather didn't have children and your father didn't have children, you won't have children too.

            - Life is a ***ually transmitted disease.
            With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

            Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
            Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

            Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

            Comment


              #21
              Late for school

              Teacher: “why are you always late for school?”
              Student: “ because you always ring the bell before I get here!

              Fast robbery

              A turtle was walking through the park when two snails attacked, punched, kicked, and stole his wallet. The police arrived and asked, “What happen to you, were you attacked, were you robbed?” The turtle on his back, bruised, with one eye shut, said "I don't know officer, it happen so Fast"
              "I may not be able to control the wind, but I can adjust my sails."

              Enthusiastically regards
              Torbjørn Nybø

              Comment


                #22
                An engineer dies and goes to heaven.

                He is stopped by St Peter and told that heaven did not allow engineers and that he has to go to hell.

                The engineer goes to hell and within months they have escalators fitted, bridges across the molten lava, Jacuzzis everywhere and everybody is very happy with him.

                God gets to hear about this and phones Satan. "Hey Satan - I hear you have an engineer with you - he's supposed to be up here with me.

                Satan replies that it was St Peter who refused the engineer entry and that he was a great asset to hell and that he was going to keep him.

                God gets a bit upset and tells Satan that he will sue him if he doesn't send the engineer back to him.

                Satan replies, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
                Øistein

                If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you...

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                  #23
                  I guess most of us here are grown ups and find a laugh at this little story:

                  A cute kid chuckle

                  A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

                  The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

                  The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

                  'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

                  'Thanks,' the girl replied.

                  The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

                  'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

                  The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
                  With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                  Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                  Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

                  Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

                  Comment


                    #24




                    With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                    Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                    Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

                    Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

                    Comment


                      #25
                      A pick pocket was pronounced guilty and sentenced to 8 months jail term with an option of $200 fine by the judge. His defense lawyer knowing that his client could not pay the fine, pleaded with the judge asking; “Your honor, my client can only afford $50, but if you allow him a few minutes in the crowd …
                      "I may not be able to control the wind, but I can adjust my sails."

                      Enthusiastically regards
                      Torbjørn Nybø

                      Comment


                        #26
                        "I may not be able to control the wind, but I can adjust my sails."

                        Enthusiastically regards
                        Torbjørn Nybø

                        Comment


                          #27
                          Computer Training

                          HR Manager to job candidate: "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
                          With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                          Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                          Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

                          Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

                          Comment


                            #28
                            Two Cows are talking through a fence. One cow says to the other, "You know, I'm really worried about this Mad Cow Disease." The other cow says to him, "I wouldn't be too worried about it. It can't affect us chickens."
                            "I may not be able to control the wind, but I can adjust my sails."

                            Enthusiastically regards
                            Torbjørn Nybø

                            Comment


                              #29
                              Rabbit resuscitation...

                              A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Ads Permanent Wave."
                              "I may not be able to control the wind, but I can adjust my sails."

                              Enthusiastically regards
                              Torbjørn Nybø

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                                #30
                                Oops!

                                A state trooper pulls over a car for speeding and the female driver says "I guess you want to sell me some tickets to the Trooper's Ball?"
                                The trooper responded, "Troopers don't have balls, ma'am."
                                After he realized what he said, he simply walked back to his car and drove away.
                                Øistein

                                If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you...

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