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    #46
    Q. What does a cow make when the sun comes out?
    A. A shadow

    Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
    A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.

    Q: What did the first stoplight say to the second stoplight?
    A: Don’t look I’m changing!!

    Q: A rapist, a gangster and a murderer are in the same car...
    Who is driving the car?
    A: A police officer!

    Q: Which two words have the most letters in them?
    A: Post office.

    Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?
    A: To win the no-bell prize.

    Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
    A: Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be baygulls (bagels, get it?).

    Q: What did the hat say to the necktie?
    A: You go on ahead, I'll hang around!

    Q: What did Snow white say when her photos didn't come back from the photo store?
    A: "Some day my prints will come!"
    "I may not be able to control the wind, but I can adjust my sails."

    Enthusiastically regards
    Torbjørn Nybø

    Comment


      #47
      A naval officer fell overboard and was rescued by a deckhand.
      The officer asked the sailor how he couldreward him.
      "The best way, sir," replied the bluejacket, "is to saynothing about it.
      If the other fellows knew I'd pulled you out,they'd throw me in."
      Øistein

      If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you...

      Comment


        #48
        We all know Heaven is a swell place to live but it's a little know fact that JC throws a welcoming party for each new arrival. To make it really special St. Peter asks each person where they want the party to be held. Now most people ask for the park they visited as a child or the location of their High School Prom but when Joe Smith arrived he had a special request, he always wanted to travel aboard a cruise ship.

        St. Peter thought about it, made a few phone calls and granted the wish noting that special request of this magnitude take time to process. Joe, realizing he had eternity, didn't mind the wait and proceeded though the pearly gates with a smile.

        Months went by before the big day arrived but JC had gone all out, the cruise ship was large and beautiful in every way imaginable. Every deck plate was teak and every inch of brass was polished but pulling the ship along was a tugboat billowing smoke from its exhaust. The party started quickly and after a few hours went by St. Peter asked Joe if everything met his expectations? Joe replied "The cruise is more than I ever dreamed but could we possibly untie that ugly tugboat? I want to smell the fresh ocean breeze!"


        "OH, COME ON!!" Saint Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find three mates and a captain up here! How many engineers do you think we have in Heaven?
        Øistein

        If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you...

        Comment


          #49
          A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.
          "I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."
          So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
          In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"
          "I may not be able to control the wind, but I can adjust my sails."

          Enthusiastically regards
          Torbjørn Nybø

          Comment


            #50
            Woman VS Man at the ATM

            MAN:
            1) Pull up to machine
            2) Wind window down
            3) Insert ATM card, enter PIN
            4) Retrieve cash
            5) Drive away

            WOMAN:
            1) Pull up to machine
            2) Open door (too far away from machine)
            3) Search through all of the 112 compartments in handbag for ATM card
            4) Do make up, apply lipstick, fix hair
            5) Insert Card
            6) Remove card
            7) Insert card the correct way up
            8) Search for piece of paper with PIN on it
            9) Enter PIN
            10) Enter correct PIN
            11) Retrieve cash, put in bag
            12) Drive off
            13) Reverse back to machine
            14) Retrieve card
            15) Drive three miles away
            16) Release hand-brake
            "I may not be able to control the wind, but I can adjust my sails."

            Enthusiastically regards
            Torbjørn Nybø

            Comment


              #51
              A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

              "Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back."

              "But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

              "And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!"

              A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

              "Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom."
              Øistein

              If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you...

              Comment


                #52
                There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
                Some of these are excellent ...
                Q: What is your date of birth?
                A: July fifteenth.
                Q: What year?
                A: Every year.
                Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?
                A: Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks.

                Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
                A: Yes.
                Q: And what were you doing at that time?

                Q: She had three children, right?
                A: Yes.
                Q: How many were boys?
                A: None.
                Q: Were there any girls?

                Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
                A: By death.
                Q: By whose death was it terminated?

                Q: Can you describe the individual?
                A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
                Q: Was this a male, or a female?

                Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
                A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


                Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
                A: Oral.

                Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
                A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
                Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
                A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

                Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
                A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
                Q: And why did that upset you?
                A: My name is Susan.

                Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
                A: No.
                Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
                A: No.
                Q: Did you check for breathing?
                A: No.
                Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
                A: No.
                Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
                A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
                Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
                A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere
                "I may not be able to control the wind, but I can adjust my sails."

                Enthusiastically regards
                Torbjørn Nybø

                Comment


                  #53
                  A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
                  "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
                  "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
                  A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
                  Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
                  Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
                  The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:
                  1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
                  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
                  3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
                  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

                  (THIS GETS BETTER!)
                  The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:
                  1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
                  2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
                  3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and
                  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
                  The women won.
                  "I may not be able to control the wind, but I can adjust my sails."

                  Enthusiastically regards
                  Torbjørn Nybø

                  Comment


                    #54
                    those are great

                    Comment


                      #55
                      I want to make sure all my fellow members know me "right well", so here is some information about people who live in the state of Georgia (but I am sure more than a few will also apply to our colleague to the north of me...PilotDane from North Carolina


                      Anyone that has lived in Georgia knows that:

                      1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
                      2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Georgia ..
                      3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Georgia ..
                      4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
                      5. 'Onced' and 'Twiced' are words.
                      6. It is not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.
                      7. 'Jaw-P?' means, 'Did y'all go to the bathroom?
                      8. People actually grow and eat okra.
                      9. 'Fixinto' is one word.
                      10. There is no such thing as 'lunch.' There is only dinner and then there is supper.
                      11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.
                      12. Backwards and forwards means, 'I know everything about you.'
                      13. The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning, 'Did you eat ?'
                      14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
                      15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH EM.
                      16. You measure distance in minutes.
                      17. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
                      18. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
                      19. You know what a 'DAWG' is.
                      20. You carry jumper cables in your car --- for your OWN car.
                      21. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Tabasco and Ketchup.
                      22. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and high school football.
                      23. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
                      24. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm.'
                      25. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
                      26. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as 'goin' Wal-Martin'.
                      27. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good stew weather.
                      28. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
                      29. You don't need no dang driver's ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive, dag-nabbit.

                      Comment


                        #56
                        Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D -Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
                        This is how it manifests:

                        I decide to water my garden.

                        As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

                        As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

                        I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

                        I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

                        So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

                        But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

                        I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

                        My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Diet Coke I'd been drinking.

                        I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Diet Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

                        The Diet Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

                        As I head toward the kitchen with the Diet Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

                        I put the Diet Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

                        I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

                        I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

                        I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

                        I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

                        So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

                        Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

                        At the end of the day:

                        the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Diet Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

                        Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.

                        (Don't laugh, Jan- Olav and you other youngsters-- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming.)

                        Comment


                          #57


                          I could add a ton of these smiles for these two last posts!
                          With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                          Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                          Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

                          Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

                          Comment


                            #58
                            Originally posted by pakarang View Post


                            I could add a ton of these smiles for these two last posts!
                            Just so you know what you're getting into.... LOL!!!

                            Comment


                              #59
                              "I may not be able to control the wind, but I can adjust my sails."

                              Enthusiastically regards
                              Torbjørn Nybø

                              Comment


                                #60
                                "I may not be able to control the wind, but I can adjust my sails."

                                Enthusiastically regards
                                Torbjørn Nybø

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