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    #31
    Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

    A: "BREATHE YOU IDIOT, BREATHE!"
    "I may not be able to control the wind, but I can adjust my sails."

    Enthusiastically regards
    Torbjørn Nybø

    Comment


      #32
      A man traveling at 130 mph on the interstate was stopped by highway police.
      "Sorry, officer" said the driver, "was I driving too fast?"
      "No, sir. You were flying too low."
      "I may not be able to control the wind, but I can adjust my sails."

      Enthusiastically regards
      Torbjørn Nybø

      Comment


        #33
        New year resolutions

        NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON'T
        BE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU'RE A NERD


        16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

        15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.

        14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

        13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

        12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

        11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.

        10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

        9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

        8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.

        7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

        6. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

        5. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*

        4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...

        3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

        2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

        1. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

        HAPPY NEW YEAR!
        Øistein

        If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you...

        Comment


          #34
          Thanks Oistein - those were really great. Now, after reading them, I have finally settled down on my own resolutions as well!
          With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

          Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
          Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

          Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

          Comment


            #35
            While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"
            "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
            Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
            About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
            "We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said.
            "Wow," said the tourist.
            The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."
            "I may not be able to control the wind, but I can adjust my sails."

            Enthusiastically regards
            Torbjørn Nybø

            Comment


              #36
              Originally posted by Oistein View Post
              Oops!

              A state trooper pulls over a car for speeding and the female driver says "I guess you want to sell me some tickets to the Trooper's Ball?"
              The trooper responded, "Troopers don't have balls, ma'am."
              After he realized what he said, he simply walked back to his car and drove away.

              PLEASE......., someone make me stop laughing!!!!!!!

              I love such short one/two-liners that comes with a point like a lightning from a clear sky!!! (Steve Martin, John Candy, Mel Brooks...., need I say more...?).
              I see you got irony Øistein...., I've heared you're almost in the profession of a trooper (UP)......, or, well..., you know...., police?

              Nevertheless, you served the yoke of the evening for me. And that's good for my stomach muscles....
              "IF GOD COULD MAKE ANGELS...., WHY IN HELL MAKE MAN?"

              Comment


                #37
                Thank you Sterkoder.
                Without the sense of humour and the ability to laugh out of my own and colleagues minor blunders or not so thought-through statements, I would not have lasted long in my profession.

                Here is one more.

                Pull Over!

                A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time.
                Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"
                "No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"
                Øistein

                If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you...

                Comment


                  #38
                  Ahhh... you like them short Sterkoder?

                  Here is one for you (knowing you like the planes):

                  Mealtime

                  It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.

                  "What are my choices?" he asked.

                  "Yes or No," she replied.
                  With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                  Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                  Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

                  Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

                  Comment


                    #39
                    Warnings vs. Errors

                    The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.

                    The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"

                    The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
                    With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                    Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                    Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

                    Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

                    Comment


                      #40
                      Here is one short and about the police

                      A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you
                      had to arrest your own mother?"
                      He said: "Call for backup."
                      "I may not be able to control the wind, but I can adjust my sails."

                      Enthusiastically regards
                      Torbjørn Nybø

                      Comment


                        #41
                        An airplane joke as well:

                        Pilot: Control tower, what time is it?
                        Control tower: What airline is this?
                        Pilot: What difference does that make?
                        Control tower: Well if it is UA, it is 6:00p.m.; if it is TWA, it is 1800 hours; if it is Ozark, the big hand is on the…..”
                        "I may not be able to control the wind, but I can adjust my sails."

                        Enthusiastically regards
                        Torbjørn Nybø

                        Comment


                          #42
                          2008 Woman Driver of the Year Awards (this will take 3 posts....)

                          In 10th place


                          In 9th place


                          In 8th place
                          Last edited by ehp; February 28th, 2009, 23:31.

                          Comment


                            #43
                            In 7th place


                            In 6th place


                            In 5th place


                            In 4th place
                            Last edited by ehp; February 28th, 2009, 23:32.

                            Comment


                              #44
                              The Bronze Medalist for the 2008 Woman Driver of the Year Award


                              The Silver Medalist for the 2008 Woman Driver of the Year Award


                              And the Gold Medalist and Champion of the 2008 Woman Driver of the Year Award
                              Last edited by ehp; February 28th, 2009, 23:33.

                              Comment


                                #45
                                Bear Bells

                                In Alaska's National Forests, a tour guide was giving a talk to a group of tourists about hiking in grizzly bear territory: "Most bear encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife, accidentally stumble into bears. The resulting suprise can be catastrophic."

                                To avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence. "Also," he said further, "be especially cautious when you see signs of bears in the area, especially when you see bear droppings."

                                One tourist asked, "How do you identify bear droppings?"

                                "Oh that's easy," the guide explained, "its the ones with all the tiny bells in them!"


                                Number of Sheep

                                An actuary and a farmer were traveling by train. When they passed a flock of sheep in a meadow, the actuary said, "There are 1,248 sheep out there."

                                The farmer replied, "Amazing. By chance, I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely correct. How did you count them so quickly?"

                                The actuary answered, "Easy, I just counted the number of legs and divided by four."


                                Advertising

                                "Good times, bad times, there will always be advertising. In good times people want to advertise; in bad times they have to." -- Bruce Barton
                                With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                                Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                                Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

                                Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

                                Comment

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