Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

::: Creating that gorgeous smile of the day :::

Collapse
This is a sticky topic.
X
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head.
    He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error.
    "Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch.
    "Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch.
    He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head.
    "Head on curb."


    A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
    The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
    "Ever go a fishin'?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
    "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
    The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"




    Ten Things To Say
    When A Cop Pulls You Over

    10. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
    9. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
    8. You must have been doing 125 to keep up with me.....good job.
    7. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
    6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
    5. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.
    4. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
    3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
    2. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
    1. I was just trying to keep up with traffic!
    Øistein

    If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you...

    Comment


      An old captain of the old school was on the bridge together with his 1. Officer for many years.
      Throughout those years, the 1. Officer noticed that the captain from time to time unlocked a drawer to check on something, then lock it again and taking VERY good care of the key.

      The 1. Officer was very, VERY curious to what the captain was doing in the drawer, but there was only one key to this "secret" drawer...., and that was constantly in the pocket of the old captain.
      Then one day, the old captain retired and the 1. Officer became the new captain on board.

      This also ment that he could get that key to the mysterious drawer.
      As the new captain and having the key in his hand, the first thing he did was to check out the secret drawer of his former boss.
      There he found one single piece of paper with the words:
      Starboard is right - port is left!
      "IF GOD COULD MAKE ANGELS...., WHY IN HELL MAKE MAN?"

      Comment


        When life boils down to a very few questions:

        1/ Should you get children?



        2/ Should you get a dog?



        No matter what situations life throws at you...

        No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem...

        Remember ~~ there is a light at the end of the tunnel:



        It's getting really hard, but cats can be so dramatic:

        With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

        Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
        Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

        Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

        Comment


          For CV members passed their 40s

          Here is a ballad that should stir some memories: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yN-6PbqAPM

          Last edited by ombugge; July 21st, 2009, 06:58.

          Comment


            Here is another that is bound to offend the sensitivity for some:

            Comment


              The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says 'What a great chest you have!'

              He tells her 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.'

              He takes off his pants and the blonde says 'What massive Calves you have!'

              The body builder tells her 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.'

              He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

              The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

              The blonde replies "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was"!
              With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

              Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
              Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

              Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

              Comment


                The Electronic World I Live In


                Things are spiraling out of control. I think I have become lost in a world of electronic madness.

                One of my sons informed me this week that my cell phone has become obsolete and I must head down to the Cell Phone store and get a phone that is contemporary with the time.

                I pointed out that the fancy Razor/Slim line phone with camera built in that he made me trade my perfectly good flip-top Motorola cell phone for two years ago still works perfectly fine.. Well, except for the camera thing. Never could figure that out... Even the few times I actually did take pictures I couldn’t figure what to do with them and
                gave up.

                That is except when I would push the wrong button and take a video of the ceiling or my feet.

                Seems the issue is that I am unable to text with the tiny little 3 character buttons. "Hi, son," would come out looking like, "Gh Qmo." My grandkids have even spoken to me about my crazy text messages. Give me a break. What ever happened to actually talking on a phone? Isn’t that what they were invented for?

                They want me to get one of those phones that you can turn upside down and sideways and has a typewriter keyboard with keys about one-eighth the size of my pinky finger.

                One of my four sons is a realtor whose real occupation is fly –fishing. "Way to go, son." Or in my text language, "Xbz um Io, rmo."

                We were floating the Yakima River in his guide quality drift boat south of Ellensburg, Washington. We were miles from anything remotely resembling civilization. Rock canyon walls were on either side of us. Bear with me as I try to explain this strange thing.

                His "Blackberry" rang. It was blue and I asked him why it wasn’t called a Blueberry. He shook his head with that ‘dealing with an elder despair’ look I get a lot these days. It was another realtor who called to say that the sellers he represented had agreed to my son’s client’s changes and he had the signed documents in hand.

                My son told him to FAX the papers to his office and he would get them signed and Faxed back, to close the deal that morning. A minute later the phone rang and he hit a few buttons and looked over the FAX, now on the Yakima River with us.

                He then called his clients and told them he was Faxing the papers to them to sign and asked them to FAX them back to his office.. While he was waiting, he hooked into a fat rainbow and was just releasing this 22 inch beauty as his phone rang again with the signed FAX from his clients.

                He called the other realtor and told him he was sending the signed papers back by FAX. The deal was closed. He smiled and just said, "You are a little behind the times, Dad." I guess I am.

                I thought about the sixty million dollar a year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

                I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

                That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

                My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

                The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it’s red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Nobles talking to my wife as every one in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my
                hearing aid out to use it and got a little loud.

                I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

                When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

                To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

                The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.

                I bought some of those cloth re-usable bags to avoid looking confused but never remember to take them in with me.

                Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

                Comment


                  On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' he asked innocently. After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. 'You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer.'

                  Comment


                    While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist' s desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'.

                    Comment


                      A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass, OR. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As She neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

                      She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

                      She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

                      The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

                      He smiled and then told her, 'Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.

                      I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'

                      Comment


                        With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                        Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                        Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

                        Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

                        Comment


                          With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                          Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                          Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

                          Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

                          Comment


                            With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                            Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                            Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

                            Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

                            Comment


                              Last edited by ehp; August 31st, 2009, 15:12.

                              Comment




                                This is is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy's response is hilarious, but read The State's letter before you get to the response letter.



                                State of Pennsylvania 's letter to Mr. DeVries:



                                SUBJECT: DEQ
                                File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

                                Dear
                                Mr. DeVries:

                                It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

                                Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

                                A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

                                The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2007.

                                Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..

                                We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in
                                this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

                                Sincerely,

                                David L. Price
                                District
                                Representative and Water Management Division.


                                Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:


                                Re: DEQ File
                                No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County


                                Dear Mr. Price,

                                Your certified letter dated 12/17/06 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .

                                A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials 'debris.'

                                I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.





                                These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

                                My first dam question to you is:

                                (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
                                (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request

                                If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.

                                (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws,
                                annotated.)

                                I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

                                The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

                                If you want the dammed stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

                                In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

                                So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2007 The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

                                In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

                                Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

                                THANK YOU,

                                RYAN DEVRIES
                                & THE DAM BEAVERS

                                Comment

                                Working...
                                X