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    From lovely E:

    A Modern Parable.

    A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (Ford Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

    On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

    The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

    Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people rowing.

    Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

    They adv ised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

    Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

    They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale-boosting programs and teamwork posters.

    The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

    Humiliated , the American management laid off one rower, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.

    The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles,) so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.

    Sadly, the End.

    Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages.

    TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US. The last quarter' s results:

    TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.

    Ford folks are still scratching their heads, and collecting bonuses...

    IF THIS WEREN'T SO TRUE IT MIGHT BE FUNNY
    With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

    Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
    Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

    Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

    Comment


      Moral of a Story

      The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.

      "Ernie, do you have a story to share?"

      ''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

      She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets; killed four more with the knife, until the blade broke; and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

      ''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher."What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

      "Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

      Comment


        For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

        Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

        Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

        Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O.
        Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.

        They had one son, Jack.

        In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.

        The couple produced six children: Holie Schitt,
        Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the
        twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

        Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt
        married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

        After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
        divorced.

        Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because
        her kids were living with them, she wanted to
        keep her previous name.

        She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

        Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and
        they produced a son with a rather nervous
        disposition named Chicken Schitt.

        Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and
        Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood
        and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a
        dual ceremony.

        The wedding announcement in the newspaper
        announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The
        Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and
        Horse.

        Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour
        the world.

        He recently returned from Italy with his new
        Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

        NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
        Schitt,' you can correct them.

        Sincerely,

        Crock O. Schitt

        Comment


          Incident Report

          For the seafares among the CV members, this should raise a laughter:

          Dear Sir,

          It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you; regret that
          such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances, and
          haste in order that you will get this report before you form your own
          preconceived opinions from reports in the World Press, for I am sure that
          they will tend to overdramatise the affair.

          We had just picked up the pilot, and the apprentice had returned from
          changing the 'G' flag for the 'H', and being his first trip was having
          difficulty in rolling the 'G' flag up. I therefore proceeded to show him
          how, coming to the last part I told him to 'let go'. The lad, although
          willing, is not too bright, necessitating my having to repeat the order in a
          sharper tone.

          At this moment the Chief Officer appeared from the chartroom, having been
          plotting the vessel's progress, and thinking that it was the anchors that
          were being referred to, repeated the 'let go' to the Third Officer on the
          forecastle. The port anchor, having been cleared away, but not walked out,
          was promptly let go.

          The effect of letting the anchor drop from the 'pipe' while the vessel was
          proceeding at full harbour speed proved too much for the windlass brake, and
          the entire length of the port cable was pulled out 'by the roots'.

          I fear that the damage to the chain locker may be extensive. The braking
          effect of the port anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer in that
          direction, right towards the swing bridge that spans a tributary to the
          river up which we were proceeding.

          The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the
          bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately he did not think to stop the vehicular
          traffic. The result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a
          Volkswagon, two cyclists and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ship's
          company are at present rounding up the contents of the latter, which from
          the noise I would say were pigs.

          In his efforts to stop the progress of the vessel the Third Officer dropped
          the starboard anchor, too late to be of practical use for it fell on the
          swing bridge operator's control cabin.

          After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer I gave a
          double ring Full Astern on the Engine Room Telegraph, and personally rang
          the Engine Room to order maximum astern revolutions. I was informed that the
          temperature was 83 degrees, and was asked if there was a film tonight. My
          reply would not add constructively to this report.

          Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward end of
          my vessel. Down aft they were having their own problems. At the moment the
          port anchor was let go, the Second Officer was supervising the making fast
          of the aft tug, and was lowering the ship's towing spring down into the tug.

          The sudden braking effect of the port anchor caused the tug to 'run in
          under' the stern of my vessel, just at the moment when the propeller was
          answering my double ring Full Astern. The prompt action of the Second
          Officer in securing the shipboard end of the towing spring delayed the
          sinking of the tug by some minutes thereby allowing the safe abandoning of
          that vessel.

          It is strange, but at the very same moment of letting go the port anchor
          there was a power cut ashore. The fact that we were passing over a 'cable
          area' at that time may suggest that we may have touched something on the
          river bed. It is perhaps lucky that the high tension cables brought down by
          the foremast were not live, possibly being replaced by the underwater cable,
          but owing to the shore blackout it is impossible to say where the pylon
          fell.

          It never fails to amaze me, the actions and behaviour of foreigners during
          moments of minor crisis. The pilot for instance, is at this moment huddled
          in the corner of my day cabin, alternately crooning to himself and crying
          after having consumed a bottle of gin in a time that is worthy of inclusion
          in the Guinness Book of Records.

          The tug captain on the other hand reacted violently and had to forcibly be
          restrained by the Steward, who has him handcuffed in the ship's hospital
          while he is telling me to do impossible things with my ship and my person.

          I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers, and insurance companies of
          the vehicles on my foredeck, which the Third Officer collected after his
          somewhat hurried evacuation of the forecastle. These particulars will enable
          you to claim back the damage that they did to the railings of number one
          hold.

          I am closing this preliminary report for I am finding it difficult to
          concentrate with the sound of police sirens and the flashing lights.

          It is sad to think that had the apprentice realised that there is no need to
          fly pilot flags after dark, none of this would have happened.

          Yours truly - The Master...

          Comment


            How moses got the 10 commandments

            One day God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have some Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

            The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
            And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
            'Can you give us an example?' 'Thou shall not kill.'
            'Not kill? We're not interested.'

            So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have some Commandments.'
            The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother.' 'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'

            Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have some Commandments.'
            The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.' 'Not steal? We're not interested.'

            Then He went to the French and said, 'I have some commandments.'
            The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.' 'Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

            Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have some Commandments.'
            'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?''They're free.'
            'We'll take 10.'

            There, that should offend just about everybody..

            Comment


              Ombugge-that shouldn't offend anyone, as there is no reference to the sea, photography, Starbucks, planes, jokes, Crystal, NCL, Norway, Asia......I could go on and on.

              and remember my Beatitude "Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they will never cease to be amused...."

              Comment


                Well if that didn't offend anyone, what about this one:

                A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
                Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
                Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
                After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
                One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
                As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... Put his arm around it.
                But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
                After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
                A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
                When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening...
                red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
                Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,

                'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

                Comment


                  Irish Virus

                  Or this one:

                  Comment


                    Why God gave them Camels

                    This one will surely offend someone.

                    Comment


                      Oook-Oook

                      This may be a little belated, but I came across this when looking though my files of Funnies and couldn't resist shearing it:

                      Comment


                        Outsourcing

                        And here is the last for the day. This one is purely for laughs and should not offend anyone:

                        Comment


                          Curry Tasting

                          For all you old Indian & China Coasters, does this bring back any memories?

                          INEXPERIENCED CURRY TASTER
                          Notes From An Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting
                          Phoenix, Durban, South Africa
                          "Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off.
                          The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
                          standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when
                          the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (coupleof local
                          Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told
                          me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

                          Here are the scorecards from the Event:
                          _________________________________________
                          Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
                          JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

                          JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
                          FRANK: Holy mackeral, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
                          paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope
                          that's the worst one.
                          _________________________________________

                          Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry
                          JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
                          JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

                          FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
                          to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
                          the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look
                          on my face.
                          ___________________________________________
                          Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry
                          JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
                          JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
                          FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
                          have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more
                          beer before I ignite.
                          Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
                          chest. I'm getting pickled from all the beer.
                          ____________________________________________
                          > >
                          > > Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic
                          > >
                          > > JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

                          JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
                          other mild foods, not much of a curry.

                          FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
                          it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid, was
                          standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bird is starting to look
                          HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?
                          __________________________________________
                          Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover
                          JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
                          considerable kick. Very impressive.

                          JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
                          cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

                          FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
                          longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
                          The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me
                          brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
                          directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? What
                          really upsets me is that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
                          ___________________________________________
                          Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
                          JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and
                          peppers.
                          JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
                          Superb.
                          FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
                          flames. I dirtied myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through
                          the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that bag
                          Savathree, she must be stranger than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
                          I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
                          _____________________________________________
                          Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry
                          JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
                          JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry
                          peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
                          Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
                          uncontrollably.
                          FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
                          feel damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
                          it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid
                          unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a lava-like mess to match my
                          damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
                          decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
                          oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole
                          in my stomach.
                          ___________________________________________

                          Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry
                          JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not
                          too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
                          JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot.
                          Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell
                          over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going
                          to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?
                          FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

                          Comment


                            Originally posted by ombugge View Post
                            Or this one:
                            Absolutely fantastic!
                            With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                            Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                            Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

                            Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

                            Comment


                              Originally posted by pakarang View Post
                              Absolutely fantastic!
                              I sent this to somebody by e-mail some time ago. His reply was; the colour of the beer is wrong.

                              Comment


                                Originally posted by ombugge View Post
                                For the seafares among the CV members, this should raise a laughter:
                                Yours truly - The Master...
                                Well, I am just a cruiser, but I am sitting here with TEARS running down my face from laughing so hard.................

                                Comment

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