Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

::: Creating that gorgeous smile of the day :::

Collapse
This is a sticky topic.
X
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    What do you call the WiFi network in your home?

    Something simple, something boring or just what the installer set it to be?

    Here are some ideas for those of you who wishes to be a bit more creative about it:

    http://oddee.com/item_96525.aspx
    With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

    Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
    Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

    Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

    Comment


      A senior moment:

      With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

      Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
      Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

      Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

      Comment


        Thank you very much Pakarang. You have made my day for sure. It had me crying with laughter.
        Infamy, Infamy.... They've got it in for me! Said The Laughing Assassin.

        Comment


          Panda Lunch

          A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.

          As the panda stands up to leave, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

          The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

          The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
          With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

          Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
          Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

          Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

          Comment


            Heart Surgeon

            Jerry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Samuel Kaiser, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.

            Jerry, who was somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Kaiser. Is dat you? Come over here a minute."

            The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Jerry was working on the car. Jerry, in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I too, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I'm finished, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

            Dr. Kaiser, very embarrassed, shook his head and replied in a soft voice, "Try doing your work with the engine running."
            With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

            Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
            Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

            Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

            Comment


              These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

              1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

              2. I would not allow this student to breed.

              3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

              4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot..

              5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

              6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

              7. This child has been working with glue too much.

              8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

              9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

              10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

              11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

              12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


              These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers..

              The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

              16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

              15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

              14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

              13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

              12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

              11 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

              10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

              9 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. '

              8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

              7 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop...'

              6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

              5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC..'

              4 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

              3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

              2 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

              AND THE WINNER IS....

              1 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'
              With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

              Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
              Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

              Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

              Comment


                Rednecks of the North

                HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN? ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.



                A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00).

                He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.

                They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.
                Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is
                going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce.
                So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a
                short 40 second-fuse.
                Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might
                slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming
                toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:
                they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the
                stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

                Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG???
                Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING;
                especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off
                across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite,
                with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

                The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in
                their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.

                One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is
                loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog
                stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot,

                and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course
                terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off
                to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.

                The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the
                truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the
                truck and takes off after his master.

                Then " "" "" "" "" " BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" "" ! ! ! !
                The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving
                the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" looks
                on their faces.

                The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use
                of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make
                the first of those $560.00 a month payments.

                The dog is okay. . .doing fine.
                And you thought Rednecks only lived in the South.......?
                Is this the American version of Henry Lawson's The Loaded Dog? - Graham.

                Comment


                  The Bathtub Test

                  During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director

                  'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?'

                  'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

                  'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because
                  it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

                  'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.

                  Do you want a bed near the window?'
                  With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                  Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                  Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

                  Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

                  Comment


                    TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTHCARE PLAN:

                    (10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

                    (9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

                    (8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgecicles.

                    (7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

                    (6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day."

                    (5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

                    (4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

                    (3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

                    (2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

                    AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:

                    (1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape!
                    With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                    Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                    Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

                    Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

                    Comment


                      Opposites

                      The aspiring student psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"

                      "Sadness," replied the student.

                      "And the opposite of depression?" the professor asked of the young lady from Rice.

                      "Elation," said she.

                      "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M. "How about the opposite of woe?"

                      The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
                      With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                      Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                      Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

                      Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

                      Comment


                        Humorous Headlines

                        Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

                        Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

                        Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

                        Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

                        Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

                        Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

                        Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

                        Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

                        British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

                        Eye Drops Off Shelf

                        Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

                        President Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

                        Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

                        Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

                        Miners Refuse to Work after Death

                        Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
                        With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                        Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                        Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

                        Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

                        Comment


                          I just couldn't resist this one, watch and you'll see why.
                          Infamy, Infamy.... They've got it in for me! Said The Laughing Assassin.

                          Comment


                            You know your a Redneck if:

                            A redneck from Georgia walks into the international paper company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector. It's his lucky day!!!

                            They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.

                            The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a ree. 'See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains.'
                            The redneck promptly answers, 'that thar's a white pine, 383 board feet of lumber in 'er.' the foreman is impressed!!!

                            He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.
                            That's a loblolly pine and she's got about 456 clear board feet.

                            The foreman is really impressed with the good ol' boy. He has been quick and got the answers right without using a calculator!!!! One more test.

                            They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says, 'and what about that one?'
                            Before the foreman finishes pointing, the redneck says, 'white oak', 242 board feet at best'

                            The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the red neck is smarter than he is.
                            As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks bubba to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, 'see that tree over there?' I want you to mark an x on the front of that tree!!
                            The foreman thinks to himself, 'idiot, how would he know which is the front of
                            the tree?'

                            When bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white x on the trunk.
                            He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. 'That thar's the front', the redneck says.

                            The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, 'How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?'
                            The good ol' boy looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, 'cuz somebody took a shit behind it!'

                            He got the job and is now the foreman!!!!!

                            NEVER under estimate a Redneck.

                            Comment


                              Funny ads from Bangkok Insurance Company, my previous agent:

                              With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                              Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                              Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

                              Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

                              Comment


                                From wonderful E this morning: Breaking the HR code:

                                COMPETITIVE SALARY
                                Most of our competitors don't pay much either.

                                "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
                                We have no time to train you.

                                "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
                                You'll be here very late, very often -- might as well be comfortable.

                                "MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
                                Your first four projects are already way overdue.

                                "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
                                Did we mention that you'll be here very late, very often? And most weekends.

                                "DUTIES WILL VARY"
                                Anyone in the office can boss you around.

                                "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
                                We have no quality control.

                                "CAREER-MINDED"
                                Female applicants must be childless.

                                "APPLY IN PERSON"
                                If you're old, fat or ugly, that position has already been filled.

                                "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
                                This job listing is just a legal formality. The position was filled by some executive's nephew.

                                "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
                                Due to consolidation, you'll be replacing three people.

                                "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
                                This company is a total mess.

                                "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
                                You'll have all the responsibilities of upper management, without the pay, title or respect.

                                "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
                                Listen to management, figure out what they want, don't ask too many questions and get the sh*t done.
                                With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                                Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                                Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

                                Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

                                Comment

                                Working...
                                X