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    Last one for today, or this time, I promise:

    Brave Firefighters

    One night , in a sleepy town a huge chemical plant exploded into flames. The alarm went off and departments from miles around raced to the scene. After fighting the fire for over an hour the chemical company president approached the fire chief, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

    At that,the firemen attacked with a renewed gusto. Two hours later they still had not gained any ground. At that, the company president offered $100,000 to the engine company that brought out the company's secret files.

    In the distance, the wail of yet another siren was heard and soon another fire truck came into sight. The fire chief shook his head, aware it was that little rinky-dink volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. Much to his amazement, though, the fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove right into the middle of the inferno. He could see the old timers hopping off their rig , fighting the fire with an effort that he had never before witnessed.

    Less than an hour later, the fire was out and the secret formulas were saved by this group of volunteers! The chemical company president was so ecstatic he doubled the reward to $200,000! After thanking the volunteers , the chemical company president couldn't help but ask what they planned to do with the reward money.

    The engineer (driver) looked him tight in the eye, ready with his answer. "First thing we 'll do is fix the stupid brakes on that truck!"
    With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

    Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
    Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

    Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

    Comment


      Originally posted by pakarang View Post
      Perestroika

      A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer. "That will be one ruble," says the bartender.

      "One ruble!" the customer protests, "last week it was only fifty kopeks!"

      "Well," replies the bartender, "it's fifty kopeks for the beer and fifty kopecs for the perestroika."

      Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a ruble, and is surprised when the bartender gives him back fifty kopecs and says, "We are out of beer."
      This is how the massive US "stimulus" package is supposed to work...

      Originally posted by pakarang View Post
      Modern Art

      How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb?

      Four. One to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a ****er spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the ****er spaniel.
      Were you at the Museum of Modern Art in New York the same time I was???

      Comment


        The Dead Horse

        Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100.

        The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

        The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the horse died."

        Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

        The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

        Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."

        The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

        Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

        The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"

        Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

        A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"

        Chuck said, "I raffled him off.

        I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998."

        The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

        Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.."

        Chuck grew up and now works for the government. He's the one who figured out how this "bail-out" is going to work.

        Comment


          RULES OF MARRIAGE -
          as described by kids

          1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
          -You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.-- Alan, age 10
          -No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10



          2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
          Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10


          3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF 2 PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
          You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8


          4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
          Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8


          5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
          -Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
          -On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
          -- Martin, age 10


          6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
          -When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7
          -The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. -- Curt, age 7
          -The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - - Howard, age 8


          7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
          It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )


          8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
          There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8


          And the #1 Favorite is .........

          9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
          Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. --
          Ricky , age 10

          Comment


            A thorn in the side for the everlasting battle Airbus versus Boeing: this one is for you pilotdane and Sterkoder!

            With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

            Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
            Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

            Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

            Comment


              From a Child's Mouth...

              Several years ago, when I lived in New York and flew to customer sites often, my wife would usually drop me off at Newark (N.J.) airport and pick me up when I returned. On one trip, I was only going to be gone for a few days, so I drove myself, and parked the car at Newark.

              When I returned, the weather was lousy, and it was late at night. I wanted nothing more than to get home to the comfort of my wife and my own bed. When I arrived, the storm was very loud, with crashing thunder and Severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children, Alex (3) and Cindy (12), in bed with my wife, Carolyn, apparently scared by the loud storm.

              I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.

              After my next trip several weeks later, Carolyn and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

              As I entered the waiting area, Alex saw me, and came running shouting "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

              As I waved back, I said loudly, "Hi, Alex! And what is the good news?"

              "The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.

              The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
              With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

              Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
              Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

              Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

              Comment


                Points to Ponder

                - The Bill of Rights (Void where prohibited by law)

                - If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

                - A fool and his mone can throw one heck of a party.

                - If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

                - When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

                - Remember, half the people in the world are below average.

                - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

                - Losing a wife/husband can be hard. In my case it was darn near impossible.

                Life of a Government Worker

                - You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"

                - Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.

                - When workers screw up they are transferred to another office to be someone else's problem; when management screws up they are promoted.

                - Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up" and "I have an opportunity for you to excel."

                - Training is something spoken about but never seen.

                - Vacation is something you roll over to next year.

                - No travel money to do the mission, but always enough money for another useless conference.

                - Change is the norm.

                - Organizational direction changes every 2 or 3 years.

                - The worst possible reputation comes from being the initiator of a complaint.

                - You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

                - You can name more Government employees that used to work with you than the ones you work directly with in your current position.

                Think About It

                - Is there another word for synonym?

                - Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

                - What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

                - If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

                - Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

                - Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

                - If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

                - Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

                - If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

                - Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

                - How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

                It's So True

                - It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

                - If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

                - Hard work pays off later. Laziness pays off now!

                - When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

                - Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

                - I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!

                - A closed mouth gathers no foot.

                - The trouble with life is there's no background music.
                With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

                Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

                Comment


                  A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it. Lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

                  The Genie said, "Nope. Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So, what'll it be?"

                  The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

                  The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady!

                  These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

                  The woman thought for a minute. She said, "Well, I've been trying to find the right husband. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, has a great sense of humor and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, rich, super handsome, a great lover and is completely faithful and won't even think about another woman. That's what I wish for. A good mate."

                  The Genie let out a long sigh and said,

                  "Let me see that map again."

                  Comment


                    THE SOUTH . . . YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!!

                    TENNESSEE . . .


                    The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

                    He called her into his office and said: "You graduated from the University of Tennessee, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

                    The secretary thought a moment, and then replied: "Everything but my earrings."

                    ALABAMA . . .


                    A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

                    "Where's Henry?" the others asked.

                    "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

                    "You left Henry laying out there, and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

                    "A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

                    TEXAS . . .

                    The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.

                    The Sheriff asked: "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?"

                    "Yep", he replied; "that's why I'm dumpin it here . . . it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."



                    LOUISIANA . . .

                    A senior at LSU was overheard saying . . . "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."

                    When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.



                    MISSISSIPPI . . ..


                    The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy: "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

                    Bubba replied: "Did you see who it was?"

                    The young man answered: "I couldn't tell, but I got his license number."



                    GEORGIA . . ..


                    A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked: "Got any I.D.?"

                    The driver replied: "Bout whut?"

                    NORTH CAROLINA . . .


                    A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

                    A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

                    The man replied: "I have a flat tire."

                    The passerby asked: "But what's with the flowers?"

                    The man responded: "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither."

                    Comment


                      You have ever gone to the dentist and received laughing gas...or if you've ever been given Versed before a medical procedure--you can sympathize with this little guy.......

                      Comment


                        Originally posted by ehp View Post
                        You have ever gone to the dentist and received laughing gas...or if you've ever been given Versed before a medical procedure--you can sympathize with this little guy.......
                        Dentist, yeah, right... more like I found my fathers pot....
                        With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                        Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                        Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

                        Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

                        Comment


                          Originally posted by pakarang View Post
                          Dentist, yeah, right... more like I found my fathers pot....
                          Oh you made me laugh on that...cause I thought the same thing!!!!!!

                          Comment


                            Just to make sure you all get it right:

                            Taxes Defined

                            A fine is a tax for doing something wrong.

                            A tax is a fine for doing something right.
                            With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                            Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                            Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

                            Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

                            Comment


                              Fishing

                              Billy and Willy were at Sunday school studying about Noah's ark. On the way home, Willy asked, "Do you think Noah did much fishing?"

                              "How could he?" said Billy. "He only had two worms".
                              With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                              Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                              Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

                              Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

                              Comment


                                Peanut's Linus --"I know there is a lesson to be learned here somewhere, but I don't know what it is."

                                Comment

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