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  • Last edited by ehp; February 28th, 2009, 23:55.

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    • Last edited by ehp; February 28th, 2009, 23:56.

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      • Last edited by ehp; February 28th, 2009, 23:57.

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        • Slow Down

          Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built-up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

          So one day Farmer John called the sheriffs office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

          "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

          "I don't care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!" So the next day, he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said, SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

          Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign that said, SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

          But that sped them up even more! So Farmer John kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs.

          Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day. He said, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

          Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "Hows the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"

          "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. Ive got to go. Im very busy." He hung up the phone.

          The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "Id better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer Johns house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

          NUDIST COLONY-Go slow and watch out for the chicks.
          With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

          Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
          Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com
          Old forum: http://captainsvoyage.7.forumer.com/
          Join us: Save the "Kong Olav" on facebook

          Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

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          • Last edited by ehp; February 28th, 2009, 23:58.

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            • Last edited by ehp; February 28th, 2009, 23:59.

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              • Three Wishes

                Three men, an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

                The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

                The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

                Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

                "I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "The deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours."
                With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com
                Old forum: http://captainsvoyage.7.forumer.com/
                Join us: Save the "Kong Olav" on facebook

                Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

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                • Last edited by ehp; March 1st, 2009, 00:00.

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                  • Last edited by ehp; March 1st, 2009, 00:01.

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                    • Last edited by ehp; March 1st, 2009, 00:02.

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                      • Last edited by ehp; March 1st, 2009, 00:04.

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                        • Even if you don't follow American Professional Football, some of these moves are cool..
                          Last edited by ehp; February 19th, 2009, 18:08.

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                          • Idiot Sightings in America

                            IDIOT SIGHTING:
                            We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two..

                            We haven't used Sears repair since.


                            IDIOT SIGHTING:
                            My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..

                            Do not confuse the clerks at McDonald's.


                            IDIOT SIGHTING :
                            I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!' I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

                            From Kingman , KS


                            IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE :
                            My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
                            From Kansas City


                            IDIOT SIGHTING:
                            I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded,
                            'That's why we ask.'

                            Happened in Birmingham , Ala.


                            IDIOT SIGHTING :
                            The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

                            She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS


                            IDIOT SIGHTING :
                            At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

                            This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.



                            IDIOT SIGHTING :
                            I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

                            A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.




                            IDIOT SIGHTING
                            When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'

                            This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS


                            STAY ALERT!

                            They walk among us... and they VOTE... and they REPRODUCE...

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                            • Originally posted by ehp View Post
                              Idiot Sightings in America


                              STAY ALERT!

                              They walk among us... and they VOTE... and they REPRODUCE...
                              Not only in the US, it's global.
                              Ĝistein

                              If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you...

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                              • Perestroika

                                A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer. "That will be one ruble," says the bartender.

                                "One ruble!" the customer protests, "last week it was only fifty kopeks!"

                                "Well," replies the bartender, "it's fifty kopeks for the beer and fifty kopecs for the perestroika."

                                Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a ruble, and is surprised when the bartender gives him back fifty kopecs and says, "We are out of beer."


                                Tough Job

                                Jones applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.

                                Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"

                                "Easy," Jones replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."


                                Modern Art

                                How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb?

                                Four. One to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a ****er spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the ****er spaniel.



                                Are you qualified to this job?

                                Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

                                Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

                                Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

                                Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

                                Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.


                                Yellow Teeth

                                Patient: "Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?"

                                Dentist: "Wear a brown tie..."


                                Chicken Advice

                                The chickens in a large hen house started to quarrel, wounded each other and many of them died every day. The upset farmer hurried to a consultant, and asked for a solution to his problem.

                                "Add baking-powder to the chickens' food," said the consultant, "it will calm them down."

                                After a week the farmer came back to the consultant and said: "My chickens continue to die. What shall I do?"

                                "Add strawberry juice to their drinking water, that will help for sure".

                                A week passed, and again the farmer came to the consultant: "My chickens are still quarrelling. Do you have some more advice?"

                                "I can give you more and more advice," answered the consultant. "The real question is whether you have more chickens."
                                With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                                Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                                Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com
                                Old forum: http://captainsvoyage.7.forumer.com/
                                Join us: Save the "Kong Olav" on facebook

                                Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

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