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    Last edited by ehp; February 28th, 2009, 23:56.

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      Last edited by ehp; February 28th, 2009, 23:57.

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        Slow Down

        Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built-up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

        So one day Farmer John called the sheriffs office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

        "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

        "I don't care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!" So the next day, he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said, SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

        Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign that said, SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

        But that sped them up even more! So Farmer John kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs.

        Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day. He said, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

        Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "Hows the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"

        "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. Ive got to go. Im very busy." He hung up the phone.

        The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "Id better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer Johns house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

        NUDIST COLONY-Go slow and watch out for the chicks.
        With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

        Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
        Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

        Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

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          Last edited by ehp; February 28th, 2009, 23:58.

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            Last edited by ehp; February 28th, 2009, 23:59.

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              Three Wishes

              Three men, an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

              The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

              The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

              Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

              "I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "The deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours."
              With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

              Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
              Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

              Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

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                Last edited by ehp; March 1st, 2009, 00:00.

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                  Last edited by ehp; March 1st, 2009, 00:01.

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                    Last edited by ehp; March 1st, 2009, 00:02.

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                      Last edited by ehp; March 1st, 2009, 00:04.

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                        Even if you don't follow American Professional Football, some of these moves are cool..
                        Last edited by ehp; February 19th, 2009, 18:08.

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                          Idiot Sightings in America

                          IDIOT SIGHTING:
                          We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two..

                          We haven't used Sears repair since.


                          IDIOT SIGHTING:
                          My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..

                          Do not confuse the clerks at McDonald's.


                          IDIOT SIGHTING :
                          I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!' I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

                          From Kingman , KS


                          IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE :
                          My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
                          From Kansas City


                          IDIOT SIGHTING:
                          I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded,
                          'That's why we ask.'

                          Happened in Birmingham , Ala.


                          IDIOT SIGHTING :
                          The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

                          She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS


                          IDIOT SIGHTING :
                          At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

                          This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.



                          IDIOT SIGHTING :
                          I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

                          A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.




                          IDIOT SIGHTING
                          When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'

                          This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS


                          STAY ALERT!

                          They walk among us... and they VOTE... and they REPRODUCE...

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                            Originally posted by ehp View Post
                            Idiot Sightings in America


                            STAY ALERT!

                            They walk among us... and they VOTE... and they REPRODUCE...
                            Not only in the US, it's global.
                            Øistein

                            If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you...

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                              Perestroika

                              A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer. "That will be one ruble," says the bartender.

                              "One ruble!" the customer protests, "last week it was only fifty kopeks!"

                              "Well," replies the bartender, "it's fifty kopeks for the beer and fifty kopecs for the perestroika."

                              Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a ruble, and is surprised when the bartender gives him back fifty kopecs and says, "We are out of beer."


                              Tough Job

                              Jones applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.

                              Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"

                              "Easy," Jones replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."


                              Modern Art

                              How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb?

                              Four. One to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a ****er spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the ****er spaniel.



                              Are you qualified to this job?

                              Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

                              Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

                              Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

                              Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

                              Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.


                              Yellow Teeth

                              Patient: "Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?"

                              Dentist: "Wear a brown tie..."


                              Chicken Advice

                              The chickens in a large hen house started to quarrel, wounded each other and many of them died every day. The upset farmer hurried to a consultant, and asked for a solution to his problem.

                              "Add baking-powder to the chickens' food," said the consultant, "it will calm them down."

                              After a week the farmer came back to the consultant and said: "My chickens continue to die. What shall I do?"

                              "Add strawberry juice to their drinking water, that will help for sure".

                              A week passed, and again the farmer came to the consultant: "My chickens are still quarrelling. Do you have some more advice?"

                              "I can give you more and more advice," answered the consultant. "The real question is whether you have more chickens."
                              With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                              Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                              Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

                              Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

                              Comment


                                A Chemical is a Substance that:

                                - An organic chemist turns into a foul odor.

                                - An analytical chemist turns into a procedure.

                                - A physical chemist turns into a straight line.

                                - A biochemist turns into a helix.

                                - A chemical engineer turns into a profit.


                                Astrology vs. Economics

                                Why has astrology been invented?

                                So that economics could be an accurate science.


                                Wireless is Like a Cat

                                "The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat." -- Albert Einstein


                                Mathematician, Physicist, and Engineer

                                A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

                                The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

                                The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

                                The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.


                                Ulcer

                                A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician office for a checkup. "Remember," the doctor said, "don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball when you're off the field."

                                Then he added, "By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?"


                                How to Be Annoying

                                * Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

                                * Drum on every available surface.

                                * Sing the Batman theme constantly.

                                * Staple papers in the middle of the page.

                                * Ask 1-800 operators for their home phone number. If they don’t give it to you ask why they are calling YOU at home.

                                * Sew department store anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

                                * Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

                                * Set alarms for random times.

                                * Honk and wave to strangers.

                                * Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

                                * Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

                                * Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.



                                A 21st Century Marriage

                                I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

                                "I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

                                "What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

                                "It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"


                                America's Unique

                                - Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

                                - Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

                                - Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

                                - Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

                                - Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


                                Nauseous Commuter

                                Robin came home from her first day commuting into the city. Noticing that Robin was looking a little peaked, she asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"

                                "Not really," Robin replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train."

                                "Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"

                                "I couldn't," Robin replied, "there was no one there."


                                Real Users

                                - Real users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts down the system for days.

                                - Real users never know what they want, but they always know when your program doesn't deliver it.

                                - Real users never use the Help key.

                                - Real users never stop asking new options.

                                - Real users never know what to do with new options.


                                Bad News

                                A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."

                                The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"

                                The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."

                                "Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.

                                "No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."
                                With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                                Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                                Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

                                Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

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