Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

::: Creating that gorgeous smile of the day :::

Collapse
This is a sticky topic.
X
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    Who is God really?

    A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork.

    As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

    The girl replied “I’m drawing God himself.”

    The teacher paused a moment and replied “But no one knows what God looks like.”

    Without missing a beat, or even looking up from her drawing, the girl replied “They will in a minute.”
    With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

    Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
    Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

    Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

    Comment


      Story of Cruise Ship Crew

      Last night as I lay sleeping I died or so it seemed, then I went to heaven but only in my dream.

      Up there St. Peter met me standing at his pearly gates.

      He said, "I must check your record Please stand here and wait."

      He turned and said "Your records are covered with terrible flaws, on earth I see you rallied for every losing cause"

      "I see that you drank alcohol and smoked and used drugs too. Fact is, you've done everything a good person should never do. We can't have people like you up here. Your life was full of sin"

      Then as he read the last of my record, he took my hand and said "Come on in."

      He led me up to the big boss and said "Take him in and treat him well".

      "He used to work on Cruise Ships. He's done his time in hell".

      Unknown.....
      With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

      Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
      Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

      Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

      Comment


        Originally posted by TNAalesund View Post
        So if it's raining on a hot day, the sheeps do shrink?
        only if they are continuously agitated by rolling around in soapflakes!!!

        Comment


          Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much

          10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.

          9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

          8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.

          7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.

          6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.

          5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"

          4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.

          3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.

          2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.

          1. You're sweatin' gravy.
          With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

          Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
          Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

          Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

          Comment


            Hunting Flies

            A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

            "What are you doing?" she asked.

            "Hunting Flies," he responded.

            "Oh!, Killed any?" she asked.

            "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

            Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

            He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
            With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

            Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
            Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

            Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

            Comment


              Another one for today, so much to share with all of you: this came to me by e-mail today :wink:

              Only in Texas .......

              A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop fromTexas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

              The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

              'What for?' says the lawyer.

              The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

              Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

              'You still didn't come to a complete stop,' Says the deputy. 'License and registration, please.'

              The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

              'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy says.

              Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

              'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

              At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Now, do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

              With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

              Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
              Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

              Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

              Comment


                Oh... my Granny is wicked...

                With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

                Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

                Comment


                  The two last ones, hilarious x 2, Love them
                  Øistein

                  If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you...

                  Comment


                    Originally posted by pakarang View Post
                    Hunting Flies

                    A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

                    "What are you doing?" she asked.

                    "Hunting Flies," he responded.

                    "Oh!, Killed any?" she asked.

                    "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

                    Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

                    He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
                    This is my life.

                    Comment


                      a Bit Long, but a hilarious look at the Bible through the eyes of a Child
                      The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

                      In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didnʼt have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check. After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaohʼs people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lay, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighborʼs stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother. One of Mosesʼ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesnʼt sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them. After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was. ') During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didnʼt stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead. Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, and then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

                      Comment


                        Housework Challenged

                        One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

                        Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

                        "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

                        He yelled back, "University of Auburn."
                        With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                        Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                        Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

                        Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

                        Comment


                          Moth Man

                          A guy walks into a dentist's office and flops right down on the couch.

                          "Doc", he says, "Here's the problem. I think I'm a moth"

                          "Well", says the doctor, "That certainly is a problem, but why did you come into a dentist's office?"

                          "The light was on."


                          For The Kids...

                          What are you going to be when you get out of school?
                          An old man!

                          What did you learn in school today?
                          Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!

                          I'm learning ancient history?
                          So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times!

                          Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?
                          Pupil: Dead?, I didn't even know he was sick!
                          With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                          Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                          Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

                          Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

                          Comment


                            Marriage and Men

                            - When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make.

                            - Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home

                            - A dish towel will certainly wipe the contented look off a married man's face

                            - Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.

                            - An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merge.

                            - Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.

                            - Getting married is one mistake every man should make.

                            - A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.

                            - Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.

                            - The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.

                            and lastly............

                            - Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects which prevented her from gettting a better husband that the one she married!
                            With best regards from Jan-Olav Storli

                            Administrator and Owner of CaptainsVoyage.
                            Main page: http://www.captainsvoyage.com

                            Surround yourself with positive, ethical people who are committed to excellence.

                            Comment


                              A MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH

                              He writes:

                              I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female
                              driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing
                              the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

                              This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his
                              arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

                              'Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself. I ALWAYS
                              smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female
                              does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

                              I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

                              That's 96 miles each day.

                              Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper

                              Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane
                              highway.

                              There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

                              That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

                              Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not
                              bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least

                              another 4000 cars.

                              That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I
                              pass every day.

                              Statistically, females drive half of these.

                              That's 18,000 women drivers!

                              In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

                              That's 642.

                              According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
                              dissatisfying or unrewarding.

                              That's 449.

                              According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all
                              females have seriously considered homicide.

                              That's 98.

                              And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

                              That's 33.

                              According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all
                              females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

                              That means that
                              EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at
                              least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men
                              are her biggest problem, has seriously considered
                              suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

                              Give her the finger?

                              I don't think so..

                              Comment




                                Last edited by ehp; February 28th, 2009, 23:55.

                                Comment

                                Working...
                                X